Start by thinking of the people you are addressing, as well as the person you are describing: the eulogy is about the person, but for the audience.

Who are they – family and close friends only or others too? There may be specific things to say or avoid.

How will they feel? Listening to you will obviously be highly emotional for those closest to the person, and some people will be in tears. But this doesn’t mean the eulogy should be mournful and depressing. People will be grateful if what you say is uplifting and inspiring.

What do they want to hear? Most people want to hear good things about a person who has died, and forget the bad things. But people don’t become saints just because they die. Your audience will want to feel you have captured the essence of the person – what makes them special. So be honest, but selective.

How long should it be? Even in the circumstances of a funeral, many people find it difficult to listen to one person talking for a long time, so a eulogy should really be over in a matter of minutes – just how many is a matter of individual choice.

A good eulogy doesn’t just tell the audience about the person – in a sense it brings the person to life in their imagination and gives them something by which to remember them. You can do this by telling stories about the person: the happy things, the funny things, the sad things, the unusual things that happened, which sum up their life. Talking about these and the enduring qualities which describe what they were really like as a person, will help you build a picture for the audience with your words.

You may have all the information you need, or you may want to speak to other people close to the person to get precise details and check your facts. You may have arranged the funeral as a friend of the deceased, not knowing too much about them and having no relatives to turn to for information, in which case you can base your eulogy on your impressions of them as a person. Once you have the material and have thought about it in relation to the people you are talking to, you are ready to start putting it together.

How serious or light-hearted do you want the eulogy to be? A good eulogy need not be uniformly sombre, just appropriate. Some eulogy-writers take a serious approach, others are bold enough to add humour. Used cautiously, humour can help convey the personality of the deceased and illustrate some of his or her endearing qualities.

The tone can also be partially determined by the way the deceased passed away. If you’re giving a eulogy about a teenager who met an untimely death, then your tone would be more serious than it would if you were giving a eulogy about a grandparent who happily lived to see his ninetieth birthday.

Even if most people in the audience know you, just state your name and give a few words that describe your relationship to the deceased. If it’s a really small crowd, you can start with, “For anybody who doesn’t know me…” If you’re related to the deceased, describe how; if not, say a few words about how and when you met.

Avoid clichés like “We are gathered here today…” and begin as you mean to go on, with something special to that person. After introducing yourself, it may be best to get straight to your point as everyone knows why there are there. For example: “There are many things for which she will be remembered, but what we will never forget is her sense of humour…

Though your eulogy doesn’t have to read like an obituary or give all of the basic information about the life of the deceased, you should touch on a few key points, such as what his family life was like, what his career achievements were, and what hobbies and interests mattered the most to him. You can find a way of mentioning this information while praising or remembering the deceased.

Write down the names of the family members especially closed to the deceased. You may forget their names on the big day because you’re overwhelmed by sadness, so it’s advisable to have them on hand.

Make sure you say something specific about the family life of the deceased — this would be very important to his family.

Give the eulogy a beginning, middle, and end. Avoid rambling or, conversely, speaking down to people. You may have a sterling vocabulary, but dumb it down for the masses just this once. The average eulogy is about 3-5 minutes long. That should be enough for you to give a meaningful speech about the deceased. Remember that less is more; you don’t want to try the patience of the audience during such a sad occasion.

Decide the best order for what you’re going to say:

• Chronological? This would suit the life-story approach, beginning with their childhood and working through the highlights of their life.
• Reverse chronological? Beginning with the present or recent past, then working backwards.
• Three-point plan? Decide three key things to say and the order for saying them.
• Theme? Choose one big thing and give examples, anecdotes, stories to explain and illustrate it.

Once you’re written the eulogy and feel fairly confident in what you’ve written, have some close friends or family members who know the deceased well read it to make sure that it’s not only accurate, but that it does well with capturing the essence of the deceased. They’ll also be able to see if you’ve said anything inappropriate, forgotten something important, stated incorrect facts or wrote anything that was confusing or difficult to understand.

If you intend to play a piece of music or give a reading after your eulogy, you can end by explaining why you’ve chosen it. If not, then a good way could be to end with a short sentence of farewell, maybe the very last thing you said to them – or wanted to say to them – before they died.